Feeling Numb

After yesterday’s bad news about the National Board stipend, I went home, had some wine, posted my SOL and vented with friends on Facebook. This morning, for the first time in my career, I found myself not wanting to go to school. I arrived later than I ever have, but still an hour earlier than our mandatory arrival time. I noticed several National Board teachers’ cars already in the lot. Old habits are hard to break, I guess.

Today is a standardized testing day, so classes are jumbled and the testing session is running long. We’ll probably go until lunch. As I sit here and monitor the testing, I can’t help but ask myself if this is all worth it. I love teaching, and have always known it was what I wanted to do with my life. But today, I am at the lowest point in twenty six years. I am actually beginning to wonder if any of what we does really matters, or if we just tell ourselves that so we can stand it. How many other professionals would stay in a place or a position where they were neither appreciated nor supported? I have always been the “Pollyanna” in my building about teaching, but no longer. I think we are in trouble when the most dedicated feel let down.

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